Justin Tadlock

Drowning In My Own Mind

It’s time for bed. Yep. That’s basically all I need to say and hop on under the sheets, or crawl under the comforter, seeing as how that’s the only thing on my bed at the moment. Ol’ big cousin Shannon let me borrow his One Tree Hill first season on DVD Sunday. I watched the whole entire season straight through, from 9:30 that night until around 3:00 Monday afternoon. So, I’m still trying to regain all of the sleep I missed out on Sunday night. I’ve got to say I fell in love with the series instantly. I’ve already started watching it again. I’m fairly sure that I’ll buy the first season on DVD for myself. The second season of One Tree Hill will be coming out on September 13, 2005. So, I can’t wait to do my catching up with this great series. I also bought NFL Street 2 for my Gamecube. I’ve been playing that a good bit since yesterday.

Sometimes, though, it just seems like playing video games is pointless. I’m really not accomplishing anything more than improving my hand-eye coordination. But then, I get to thinking about how 99% of the things I do in day-to-day life is pretty pointless too. Then comes the depression, and the thoughts of wrist-slashing and pill-drowning…Just kidding! I don’t really get depressed and I’m definitely not a suicidal maniac. Just trying to liven up the blog. Nevertheless, life does have this whole twisted-I-wish-I-knew-what-it-was-all-about kind of vibe. Although it does have its little unpredictable quirks that come around every so often. Like, just recently, I met this girl. And not just some girl, though at first glance she would be just your plain ol’ Alabama girl. But, when I first saw her I knew that there was something more. Something that I wanted to know. Something I had to know. I wanted to feel what life is. Just seeing her made me feel an ounce of what I used to think life was again. And that’s a feeling I would to take with me everywhere. Now, I’m not talking about substantial ecstasy or anything like that. I’m just talking about that absence of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Or that spark that forces someone to actually cook breakfast before work instead of eating 2-day old leftovers. That feeling of being content, at least for a moment, with not knowing the answers to what life is. Maybe in a way that is bliss, knowing enough to not want to question the world.

But, not me. If that’s bliss, then I’ll never know that sweet feeling. I question. I seek. I think.

That’s the problem with people who aren’t content with themselves or life, they think. And I’m a thinker.

I’m drowning, and it’s not material or physical. It’s phsycological and it’s emotional and it makes me think that I’m losing my sanity every second. But then again, some of the greatest men to walk this earth were once called insane.