I’ve been lazy.
I’m in one of those moods where I see I need a change in my life. Yes, these come often, my search for motivation and desire (e.g. Asking For A Motivational High, Searching For Desire). This time it’s different though. I’m in a place where I don’t know where my life is going, and I’ve thought this the case many times. What makes this so different is the reality of it.
I don’t have any definite plans set for the future, and that’s a scary thought. My stepmother once told me (I think I mentioned this in a previous post) that I’m coming upon the biggest transition in my life, but it’ll be the last big one until I get married and have kids. In a way that is reassuring, but at the same time, it just frightens me a little more.
I don’t won’t to stray too far from my subject—laziness.
However, I do think some of this laziness stems from worry about the future. It’s like the world is finally letting go, saying, “I’m not holding your hand anymore, now spread your wings and fly…”
My wings aren’t spread though. I still don’t feel like I’m ready to hop out of the nest and feel the freedom of the air. I think I need to seriously reassess my goals right now. At the very least, my short term goals.
For starters, I shouldn’t be up at 2 in the morning thinking about what I’m going to do. I should be getting a good night’s sleep. I’m just a bit restless tonight.
The reason I’m even blogging about this is because of the conversation my sister and I had tonight. We were talking about where we grew up, and how we could never see ourselves back there, living as those people live. They simply settle for mediocrity. The main goal in life is to get a $20,000 a year job, a wife/husband, and a doublewide trailer. Everybody’s not like that there, but it seems like it when you take a look back.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a simple life, a loving wife/husband, a couple of kids, and to relax in the country.
I think it’s the thought of ending up back there that’s worse than anything. I would be content if I knew my going back was going to change things in that area. If I knew that I could change the educational system, the economic system, and the social system. But, I don’t see that as a reality.
Back to my motivational problem. Somehow, I’ve lost that motivation I had seemed to get back about a year ago. I started the Body For Life program last April, and for about four months I was a different person. I was motivated to do homework, to go out, to exercise (of course)—I was motivated in all things. Then, my roommate moved away (this is all your fault Danny, if you’re reading this). I started living alone for the first time in four years. I think I lost a lot of my support system, and I quit doing things.
I’ve had pretty good self-motivation in school, but I felt most of my teachers lacking. I still feel like I’m only doing enough to keep a B though—just getting by.
The reason I need to be motivated again is because I am jumping into the real world pretty soon, and I don’t want to only be striving for my doublewide. I put this poem on my Facebook profile a few months ago to try to keep myself motivated. I think I should start reading it more often.
OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.~ William Ernest Henley (Invictus)
Those last two line have always been my favorite lines of literature. “I am the master of my fate: / I am the captain of my soul.” Self-motivation is the key to conquering anything. A good family, set of friends, or support system help, but it doesn’t replace doing for one’s self.
I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this post, but I feel like I have to write this. If you’ve read this far, and didn’t quit at the “flying from the bird’s nest” analogy, I thank you for having the strength to read on.
Okay Justin, start looking at something other than feelings of worry. What do I do now? I must start a serious search for a job. Next? Well, that’s about it. That doesn’t seem like much. I think I may be worrying over nothing. Maybe I should start putting things a little more plainly to myself like that. Look for a job. Simple.
Before I do that, I must go home this weekend and enjoy myself. I haven’t been home since Christmas, and maybe I should go back to my “roots” for a few days. What’s that saying, “To know where you’re going, you have to know where you’ve been”? I think that’s how it goes.
I have Spring Break next week, which should give me plenty of time to remember “where I’ve been,” reevaluate my goals, and get on that job search. I am the master of my fate. But, maybe, just maybe, you all can give me a little support. Remember how I said a good support system helps?
I think I’ve gotten that out of my system now. Tomorrow, or rather a little later today, I should wake up and be a new man. Maybe I’ll play a different CD on the way to school. I have been listening to the Walk the Line Soundtrack for about three months now because I’ve been too lazy to take my CDs from the living room to the car. I should definitely start with something simple like that. Music does have a way of changing lives.
Any suggestions? I’m thinking Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’. It’d be nice to ride down the road like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, wind blowing my hair back (except my driver’s side window doesn’t work), singing, “And I’m free, free fallin!” I don’t have the CD though.
I’m waking up a new and improved Justin Tadlock.
I will fly out into the wind, tasting the warm Alabama air, spreading my wings, darting toward the light.
I am the captain of my soul.
Well, Justin if it gets too hard dear brother- remember me. You know all things that are going on in my life along with 2 jobs, and school. Don’t you ever settle. Life is too damn good to JUST SETTLE. “Reach for the moon at least you’ll land among the stars.” keep that quote in mind and live by it! We all make mistakes at some point in our lives, I’ve made many – you haven’t even begun. Quit being afraid of the unknown. The unknown is our motivation. Not knowing what tomorrow may bring allows us to wish, dream, and believe that no matter what.. each day will be better than the last.
[...] and stayed until Tuesday. Did I get in touch with my roots as I thought I might when I posted Captain Of My Soul? I’m not sure. There were times when I felt right at home. Other times, I felt like it was [...]
Where you grew up and wanting to escape it… I can understand that. ( See http://www.whatagoodcat.com/blog/2006/10/02/348/ ) Looking back after having done it, I can tell you I believe you’re on the right road.
Here’s unsolicited advice from a happy AARP-eligible man with a happy home (anyway, here’s what worked for me): (1) If you find the right person to share your life with, you are better off than most of the world. Don’t just look for the right person. Make yourself the kind of person that the right person would look for. (2) If you don’t find the right person right away, don’t settle for less — it’s better to want what you don’t have than have what you don’t want.
TO A HAPPY AARP MAN. YOUR POST WAS HITTING THE NAIL ON THE HEAD ! ITS EASIER TO LIVE WITH REALITY THAN TO DECEIVE OTHERS OR ONESELF. BETTER TO BE TRUE TO ONESELF THAN TO SELL ONESELF SHORT. LEST IT BE SOUNDING SELFISH, HOW CAN YOU LOVE ANOTHER IF YOU DONT LOVE YOURSELF. THANKS FOR YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM.
don’t worry man, you’re not the only one who is lost and talking about lazy, i’m in uni an only working to get by not to get a good mark. i know it’s bad, and for numerous time i have tried to set goal and motivate myself, but every time i ended up in square one again. right now i don’t even want to do anything but stay in my room and chilling with my computer. sad life huh? i guess that what happen when one have no motivation to do anything. it’s been like what 2 years now, so i do hope you find your ways because at some point finding our ways is only what one can hope for especially those who is having a tough time realizing what life has to offer and what should one do.
I came to this site when I googled “the captain of my ….” in order to find your favorite quote. I did it because of a friend that is rather lost at the end of his career still looking for affirmation. My guess is that this is part of his credo too, and I don’t think he or you could be farther off target. Probably your favorite song is “I Did It My Way” by Frank Sinatra. Frank’s “way” and Henley’s captainship were what they were because they were orchestrated so by God. You are NOT the master of your fate. That’s not to say you’re a pawn. You have free will and you have responsiblity. But if you do what you do for God’s approval instead of man’s you’ll be far more fulfilled. And God’s approval is quite easy to have and enjoyalble to persue. Good luck.
Hi Justin,
We don’t know each other, I’m far from you, but it doesn’t change the fact that I do feel the same way you’re doing.
I guess we’re all on a quest, but a quest for what?
Maybe just to know who we are.It’s the most important in a human life.Maybe the only thing that matters at all.
I find myself struggling with relationships with others, family, friends, and even the closest don’t understand, the feeling of emptyness you can feel when you’re trying to look on your future, and don’t see anything but a black hole.
I guess the only way to get through this, is not to let yourself absorbed by these questions.It’s when you stop searching something that you find it.
I try to do it since a long time now, but I guess I’m not trying hard enough..
I hope you got through and found your way..
Bye,
Cédric
PS:Sorry if my english is not perfectly correct, i’m french…
Hi Justine
We don’ t know each other at all. I’ ve been looking for the whole peome this morning when I found out your article.
well to be honest, things were not going as I expected and wanted lately; yet, they are just the oppisite of what I imagined and dreamed of and looked after.
It is the first time that I don’t find words to express myself, or even to write as usually in my journal.While I’ve been reading your article I felt like you said everything with great explanation and right words’ choices.
I read it three time and I thank you for that because I think also that it refers to a lot of people.I now can explan my feelings to my parents,my boyfriend, and also my friends. Because for real, I didn’t find any logic connection between things that are blowing everywhere inside my head.
Sometimes, I cry,praying god to just stop what is happening and just let me understand what’s wrong with me, but I couldn’t get to do that until I read your article.
It means a lot to me,it is a whole new light, vision, maybe hope. I am in a situation where I lost everything even myself, and I feel such horrible emtyness,laziness and self-depression.
I had billion questions with no answers,I had problems creating others…the worse I didn’t know how to think, what to do, from where to start, how that happened,…
Now that I got a really motivited article that explans a big a part of my lost, I will start over. At least I know now from where to start.
Thank you very much and you are such a great writer ( I liked your writing style also).
Bye
Hajar
Hi, Justin Tadlock
I know the feeling of being lost in your life, because that’s the thing I experienced in my life before I accepted Jesue Christ. My life was dark and I didn’t know the meaning of my life. I felt lost. But When I found God in my life, I found Light. The Light is God. I’m not confused any more, because I know that God is my leader and my guide. He can tell me what to do and He can protect me from anything destructive. The poem Invictus totally, completely drags you away from God. It deceives you. It said I’m the master of my fate; I’m the captain of my soul. But think about this: Do you really truthly believe that? You even don’t know what will happen tomorrow to you? Then how can you master your fate and how can you sail in the ocean. I’m praying for you. Hope one day you also can find God in your life and never be lost.
Hannah — I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul. I do believe in God.
Hi Justin, along with most people, I was searching for the invictus poem as I felt inspired by the last two lines of the poem: “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”. I realise this response is two years after your article was written and I hope that you have found your way. Your first line had captured my attention immediately, “I’ve been lazy”. I want to say that at this moment, I am nothing more than those words. You are absolutely right in stating that self-motivation is the key to conquer anything, yet it does not replace doing for oneself. After reading your article and all the comments above, I no longer feel alone. I thank you for writing this article, for without it, I would not have found my new strength. From now on, I will live my life with no regret.
Thanks,
Patrick
Justin, it seems that you know what you need to do.
Now it’s just a matter of doing it!
Remember that some people fear success because it means that they will lose any excuse for others to feel sorry for them.
Having people pity you is a nice feeling, but it has no substance. Just pretend that there is nobody in the world, but you. what would you do? who will you depend upon? Who can you turn to?
Of course friends are nice to have, really good friends are rare and precious.
I suggest you do all the things you say you will do, and then create your own social support system. Get online, join a group, meet people of substance, make new friends.
You can even chat with me, a total stranger. That might help you.
But remember one thing, NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER. that is one American trait that I will keep until the end of time. That is what makes America a truly great nation, (minus the George dubya’s
Take it easy man, and remember to smile once in a while because there are many other people who feel like you do, you are not alone in your misery nor your sadness.
Promise me one thing; when you regain your strength, when you find your bearings, when you are back on your feet please seek out others who were weak, like you once were and help them out.
That will give you true satisfaction, trust me. You can even voluteer your time somewhere doing something constructive.
FYI my email Patrick Ardahalian @ hotmail . com (all one word – I separated it so stupid online bots don’t spam me)
Peace out
Justin:
I came upon your blog while looking for Henley’s Invictus. As others, I was quite impressed by Henley’s eloquence, especially given the trials he experienced, but his poem didn’t quite do it for me (too negative and dark) so I wrote my own. In case you’re interested, here it is:
Victus (after Invictus by William Ernest Henley)
Out of the night that covered me,
beyond the pit that claimed me whole,
I thank The God who lives eternally
that He has freed my conquered soul.
Beneath fell weight of God’s just vow,
my heart in fearful torment fled;
but He bore my curse upon His brow.
I am reclaimed, for me He bled!
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
loomed death; the horror of the shade.
Thank God He carried all my fears!
In His love I am unafraid.
It matters not how strait His gate,
how charged with punishments His scroll;
His love has saved me from my fate;
He is redeemer of my soul.
It’s 2010 now so.. how is your motivation so far?? being a captain?
being lazy? still in Korea? how was your spring brake??
xx
Like some other posters I came across this link searching for the origin of ‘I am the captain of my soul’ after watching Clint Eastwood’s movie Invictus. This phrase has been flashing in and out of my mind for more years than I can or care to recall. As well, is the phrase out of the Runyard Kipling’s poem IF “you will be a man my son” – the full text reads as follows -
Back on topic which I take to be the original poster’s deprecating himself for lack of motivation/energy/purpose/meaning etc.
While I cannot be certain I daresay these feelings are by no means unique and probably very common among many individuals who are not satiated nor satisfied by physical and material pursuits and gatherings of every type imagineable.
It seems to me that we all meander through various stages of our life seeking answers to the unanswerable and so a goodly proportion of the planet’s population live their lives based on religious dogma and philosophies on the promise of rewards based eternal afterlife worshipping an imaginary creator.
While I try not to make judgment calls on other people’s beliefs, these beliefs have never seemed logical to me and verge on or even exceed self-delusion.
Like all living things, man (which term includes woman) is a relatively complicated organism struggling to maintain his/her existence in the course of which learns the unequivocal truth that at the time of birth they are doomed to die by any number of means – natural or unnatural.
In between birth and death, we need to do something with our lives and thus, by and large emulate those we find in our immediate environment whether by design or influence of family, peers or the establishment.
Fortunate and few are those who find something to fill in the gap with something that they highly enjoy and well remunerated in either a fiduciary or emotional sense. The rest of us merely live our lives pragmatically, mundanely,routinely and vicarously.
That’s enough of my meanderings – I’m starting to feel sleepy and am off to bed – if I may, I would like to leave you with two simple things I’ve followed throughout my life of some 7 decades thus far – Love the one you’re with and love the work you do – otherwise you’re gonna be a miserable SOB.