We’ve all had friends and even best friends fall off the face of the earth once they’ve managed to attract a member of the opposite sex. At least we guys have. I don’t know how this works in female circles.

I call this the Curse of the Best Friend’s Girlfriend.

It’s seems we’re at war, and we lose good men every day.

The reason I decided to write on this subject was something that happened this past New Year’s Eve (yes, I’m a few months behind on writing this). Before I go any further, I want to say that I’m not mad at my best friend for this. We’re still best friends.

Since there didn’t seem to be any good New Year’s Eve parties going on back home, I decided to invite a few friends up for a night of debauchery and fun back in Auburn, Ala., the town I go to school and live in. Of course, like any good friend would do, I invited my best friend. At first, as I recall, he planned on coming.

That was until the Curse of the Best Friend’s Girlfriend set in. They decided that they would take a trip up to Birmingham, Ala., for a romantic dinner — not fun with friends. For the most part, I didn’t care that much. I had given up on friends with girlfriends long ago. Of course, I still gave him hell about it, calling him daily, reminding him that he was no friend at all.

I did promise Jonathan and Lindsay that I would write The Guidebook for Dating My Best Friend at some point. I guess this will have to do. Since this will serve as a guidebook, then I’ll have to make a few key guidelines or rules.

Article I: Holidays and Weekends

This article is the deciding factor in the sharing of the best friend, who gets him what weekends and holidays, etc.

• Spring Break:
  The best friend must have, at the very least, an entire weekend in which to get his friend really drunk, and make passes at other girls. There is no discussion in this matter. It is one of the most important holidays for guys. The best friend will take all responsibility for his friend’s acts. He will not let him do things that would break up his relationship with his girlfriend, unless said girlfriend is a b—. The friend is merely there as a wingman and for moral support, someone to laugh with about all the girls who slapped him after a his crappy pickup lines.
• New Year’s Eve:
  I believe this holiday can be split between both the best friend and the girlfriend. However, the best friend is entitled to come into the New Year in a drunken stupor, making ridiculous claims about how he will turn his life around this year. The girlfriend is actually only allowed there because she deserves her New Year’s kiss. She may not hold her boyfriend back from drinking too much, nor can she hover over him all night.
• Thanksgiving:
  This belongs to the girlfriend. Do what you wish with him. Let him meet your family. Whatever.
• Christmas:
  This is a shaky holiday. I ask for only one weekend during the month of December to get the friend drunk off Eggnog and rum.
• Birthdays:
  The friend must attend every birthday party of his best friend. The girlfriend has no say in this. The friend can decide whether to allow the girlfriend to come or not. Strippers are allowed at this party, and no complaints will be accepted on this subject. All other birthdays are to be agreed upon be all parties, except for the 21st birthday party of the friend. The best friend retains all rights to throw his friend a kick-ass party.
• Labor Day Weekend:
  This one is iffy. I’ll leave it up for discussion.
• Other Holidays:
  These days are to be agreed upon by all parties. If the girlfriend takes up a larger percentage of these, then the best friend gains the rights to Labor Day Weekend.
• Weekends In General:
  Ideally, the weekends need to be split between the best friend and the girlfriend. There are several ways to do this. A split between Friday and Saturday nights. Two weekends each for the girlfriend and best friend every month. If you’re situation is like mine, and your friend lives an hour-and-a-half away, then the best friend must at least get one weekend a month.

Article II: Ground Rules

This article describes the rules of conduct at any time the best friend or girlfriend is with the friend.

• The best friend will not allow the friend to have sex with any other member of the female, or male, species while he is watching over him. Of course, if the best friend has a secret desire to break them up, then by all means, get him drunk and encourage him to make out with the next girl he sees. If that doesn’t work, then get him a hooker.
• The best friend is allowed to get his friend as drunk as he feels necessary — necessary has no limits.
• The girlfriend is not allowed to make comments about the best friend’s standard of living, evil ways, or any other comments that might be taken as negative toward the best friend. She is to look at him as if he’s a perfect angel. Or, at least acknowledge that whatever he does with her boyfriend is the best thing for him.
• The girlfriend must remember her place in all this — she is simply there to keep the friend from jumping off a cliff because of loneliness.
• The best friend must remember his place — he is there to keep the friend from jumping off a cliff over his girlfriend’s nagging.
• If the girlfriend ever attempts to sabotage a best friend and her boyfriend’s relationship, all other friends of the two guys must make a pact to pull a Saving Silverman. It must be done.
• The girlfriend must never make the friend wear pink, those weird sandal/clog things with holes in them, or matching outfits.

Article III: Girlfriend Cool Points

Described in this article is a point system for the girlfriend. The higher she scores, the more likely the best friend and all other friends will accept her into their group. There is at least a possibility of scoring 115 points on this scale. Scores above 90 means that you are the coolest girlfriend ever. And, it’s hard to score above 90. For any girlfriend who does, I’ll personally buy a round of drinks in honor of.

• 5 Points:
  Earned by following every rule in Article I.
• 5 Points:
  Earned by following every rule in Article II.
• 10 Points:
  Show that you can party with the rest of the guys, then you get major cool points.
• -5 Points:
  If you party with the guys and drink wine coolers or any other variation of a fruit-flavored drink, unless you allow the best friend to mix it for you with something from his liquor cabinet.
• -10 Points:
  For showing up to a party in which you were NOT invited.
• 15 Points:
  Do a keg stand at one of the parties with the guys and you’ll be in our hearts forever.
• 15 Points:
  Go 5 rounds of Tequila shots, and you will also hold a special place in our hearts.
• 5 Points:
  If you do a round more than we do or drink us under the table.
• 20 Points:
  If you come to one of our parties and bring one your hot girl friends with you. Add an additional point for each hot friend.
• -20 Points:
  If you come to one of our parties and bring one of your ugly girl friends with you. Subtract an additional 2 points for each ugly friend.
• 25 Points:
  If one of your hot friends sleeps with one of the guys.
• 25 Points:
  For any of your hot friends that gets naked.
• 0 Points:
  For getting naked yourself. I would subtract for this, but we all secretly want to see it. However, I don’t want to add additional points for fear of offending my friend.

This concludes the Three Articles of The Guidebook for Dating My Best Friend. The best friend of the friend with a girlfriend is allowed to add new articles or make amendments to this guidebook. The girlfriend may make suggestions, but the decisions are ultimately left to the best friend.

A note to my best friend: I know you’ll find this a little amusing. However, I will not be joking when I ask for your girlfriend’s signature on a printed copy of this.

To all others: Feel free to leave a comment here, suggesting new rules and regulations that need to be added to this guidebook.

Download The Guidebook To Dating My Best Friend ({hits}) to have a copy for your best friend’s girlfriend to sign.