I call this the Curse of the Best Friend’s Girlfriend.

It’s seems we’re at war, and we lose good men every day.

The reason I decided to write on this subject was something that happened this past New Year’s Eve (yes, I’m a few months behind on writing this). Before I go any further, I want to say that I’m not mad at my best friend for this. We’re still best friends.

Since there didn’t seem to be any good New Year’s Eve parties going on back home, I decided to invite a few friends up for a night of debauchery and fun back in Auburn, Ala., the town I go to school and live in. Of course, like any good friend would do, I invited my best friend. At first, as I recall, he planned on coming.

That was until the Curse of the Best Friend’s Girlfriend set in. They decided that they would take a trip up to Birmingham, Ala., for a romantic dinner — not fun with friends. For the most part, I didn’t care that much. I had given up on friends with girlfriends long ago. Of course, I still gave him hell about it, calling him daily, reminding him that he was no friend at all.

I did promise Jonathan and Lindsay that I would write The Guidebook for Dating My Best Friend at some point. I guess this will have to do. Since this will serve as a guidebook, then I’ll have to make a few key guidelines or rules.

Article I: Holidays and Weekends

This article is the deciding factor in the sharing of the best friend, who gets him what weekends and holidays, etc.

• Spring Break:
  The best friend must have, at the very least, an entire weekend in which to get his friend really drunk, and make passes at other girls. There is no discussion in this matter. It is one of the most important holidays for guys. The best friend will take all responsibility for his friend’s acts. He will not let him do things that would break up his relationship with his girlfriend, unless said girlfriend is a b—. The friend is merely there as a wingman and for moral support, someone to laugh with about all the girls who slapped him after a his crappy pickup lines.
• New Year’s Eve:
  I believe this holiday can be split between both the best friend and the girlfriend. However, the best friend is entitled to come into the New Year in a drunken stupor, making ridiculous claims about how he will turn his life around this year. The girlfriend is actually only allowed there because she deserves her New Year’s kiss. She may not hold her boyfriend back from drinking too much, nor can she hover over him all night.
• Thanksgiving:
  This belongs to the girlfriend. Do what you wish with him. Let him meet your family. Whatever.
• Christmas:
  This is a shaky holiday. I ask for only one weekend during the month of December to get the friend drunk off Eggnog and rum.
• Birthdays:
  The friend must attend every birthday party of his best friend. The girlfriend has no say in this. The friend can decide whether to allow the girlfriend to come or not. Strippers are allowed at this party, and no complaints will be accepted on this subject. All other birthdays are to be agreed upon be all parties, except for the 21st birthday party of the friend. The best friend retains all rights to throw his friend a kick-ass party.
• Labor Day Weekend:
  This one is iffy. I’ll leave it up for discussion.
• Other Holidays:
  These days are to be agreed upon by all parties. If the girlfriend takes up a larger percentage of these, then the best friend gains the rights to Labor Day Weekend.
• Weekends In General:
  Ideally, the weekends need to be split between the best friend and the girlfriend. There are several ways to do this. A split between Friday and Saturday nights. Two weekends each for the girlfriend and best friend every month. If you’re situation is like mine, and your friend lives an hour-and-a-half away, then the best friend must at least get one weekend a month.

Article II: Ground Rules

This article describes the rules of conduct at any time the best friend or girlfriend is with the friend.

• The best friend will not allow the friend to have sex with any other member of the female, or male, species while he is watching over him. Of course, if the best friend has a secret desire to break them up, then by all means, get him drunk and encourage him to make out with the next girl he sees. If that doesn’t work, then get him a hooker.
• The best friend is allowed to get his friend as drunk as he feels necessary — necessary has no limits.
• The girlfriend is not allowed to make comments about the best friend’s standard of living, evil ways, or any other comments that might be taken as negative toward the best friend. She is to look at him as if he’s a perfect angel. Or, at least acknowledge that whatever he does with her boyfriend is the best thing for him.
• The girlfriend must remember her place in all this — she is simply there to keep the friend from jumping off a cliff because of loneliness.
• The best friend must remember his place — he is there to keep the friend from jumping off a cliff over his girlfriend’s nagging.
• If the girlfriend ever attempts to sabotage a best friend and her boyfriend’s relationship, all other friends of the two guys must make a pact to pull a Saving Silverman. It must be done.
• The girlfriend must never make the friend wear pink, those weird sandal/clog things with holes in them, or matching outfits.

Article III: Girlfriend Cool Points

Described in this article is a point system for the girlfriend. The higher she scores, the more likely the best friend and all other friends will accept her into their group. There is at least a possibility of scoring 115 points on this scale. Scores above 90 means that you are the coolest girlfriend ever. And, it’s hard to score above 90. For any girlfriend who does, I’ll personally buy a round of drinks in honor of.

• 5 Points:
  Earned by following every rule in Article I.
• 5 Points:
  Earned by following every rule in Article II.
• 10 Points:
  Show that you can party with the rest of the guys, then you get major cool points.
• -5 Points:
  If you party with the guys and drink wine coolers or any other variation of a fruit-flavored drink, unless you allow the best friend to mix it for you with something from his liquor cabinet.
• -10 Points:
  For showing up to a party in which you were NOT invited.
• 15 Points:
  Do a keg stand at one of the parties with the guys and you’ll be in our hearts forever.
• 15 Points:
  Go 5 rounds of Tequila shots, and you will also hold a special place in our hearts.
• 5 Points:
  If you do a round more than we do or drink us under the table.
• 20 Points:
  If you come to one of our parties and bring one your hot girl friends with you. Add an additional point for each hot friend.
• -20 Points:
  If you come to one of our parties and bring one of your ugly girl friends with you. Subtract an additional 2 points for each ugly friend.
• 25 Points:
  If one of your hot friends sleeps with one of the guys.
• 25 Points:
  For any of your hot friends that gets naked.
• 0 Points:
  For getting naked yourself. I would subtract for this, but we all secretly want to see it. However, I don’t want to add additional points for fear of offending my friend.

This concludes the Three Articles of The Guidebook for Dating My Best Friend. The best friend of the friend with a girlfriend is allowed to add new articles or make amendments to this guidebook. The girlfriend may make suggestions, but the decisions are ultimately left to the best friend.

A note to my best friend: I know you’ll find this a little amusing. However, I will not be joking when I ask for your girlfriend’s signature on a printed copy of this.

To all others: Feel free to leave a comment here, suggesting new rules and regulations that need to be added to this guidebook.

Download The Guidebook To Dating My Best Friend ([Download not found]) to have a copy for your best friend’s girlfriend to sign.

I started this collection in 2001. My father bought me my first DVD player (priced at $130 and lacking most of the functions of the current $40 Wal-Mart special) for Christmas that year. That was a great Christmas. I jumped on the DVD bandwagon before most of my family and friends even knew what a DVD player was. Since I only had about five titles on VHS, it was a good investment. I could start my collection with the newest technology, and it should last me at least twenty years. Yes, VHS cassettes had been around that long. I was safe and secure to get aboard at that point.

My Granny and Papa had movies on VHS dating back into the 1980s. One day about ten years ago, my sister and I were allowed to alphabetize her (I say her because we always refer to things as belonging to Granny in my grandparent’s home) collection. After a few hours of fussing over where titles beginning with “A” and “The” should be in relation to the other titles and how to fit the tapes themselves in the cabinet, we managed to count over 300 movies. Over 100 belonged to the Western genre, my Papa’s favorite. We used to joke that he owned every Western ever made.

My Granny always had a movie to watch. There was never any excuse for boredom at her house. That is granted that Papa wasn’t watching a Western on TV, probably one of the movies he already had in the collection. Last year, I gave them my $130 DVD player because I had upgraded to a better player. They are now on the DVD bandwagon along with me. However, they did hop on a little late in the DVD’s life. Now, their VHS collection is hardly worth the space it takes up. They still have a VCR to play them on, but most of their movie watching is done on DVD.

I have now moved on to an up-conversion DVD player, which allows me to watch my DVDs in as close to true high-definition as they can get on my 30” Philips HDTV. I am actually quite satisfied with the picture quality of it. However, it is not enough. Some day soon, I will want the cool, new technology in order to make full use of my high-definition television. That is where Blu-ray and HD DVD come in. That new technology is just around the corner. Of course, there is a problem when I say Blu-ray and HD DVD. They are two different formats of the next-generation DVD. I want high-definition discs, but I don’t want to purchase the wrong format only to find it obsolete in a year. The major differences in the two formats are how much information each can hold and the type of laser that reads the discs. HD DVD is read by a red laser and is much like the DVD, but it holds less information. A blue laser reads the Blu-ray disc, which holds much more information. However, it is a lot different from the DVD, so Blu-ray manufacturers will have to rebuild their factories, which will inevitably drive costs up.

Some DVD player manufacturers have already stated they are at work on a player that will play both formats. The problem is that some of the major companies don’t want to give permission to the manufacturers to produce them. If these players could release early enough in the format war, we could avoid a war altogether. Yet, I know that’s not entirely true. Let’s look at this from another perspective. Coke and Pepsi have coexisted for years. They are the software of the soft drink world. Coke and Pepsi machines are the hardware of that world. The companies that produce these machines make them compatible with both types of soft drinks. They are not biased toward any one soft drink. Now let’s put the next-generation DVDs in the same situation. First, there is Blu-ray and HD DVD (software). Then there is a need for a player (hardware) that simply reads them both. The technology is available, manufacturers have said as much. Why not let the consumers taste a little Sony one day, then Universal the next, the same as they can with Coke and Pepsi?

At least I can wait out the format war. DVDs won’t be obsolete for some time. In addition, with the new players’ backwards-compatibility, I’ll get to keep my current collection without upgrading more than 200 titles to the victorious format. My problem lies deeper than the current format war. I had expected to get a 20-year life span out of my DVD collection. Instead, it is only in its fifth year. It’s still a child compared to the VHS. Yes, it will last as long as the new formats do, but after that, I’m not sure what will happen. At the rate that technology is advancing, I predict Blu-ray or HD DVD’s successor will arrive within the next five to seven years. I’m not sure what will become of my DVD collection then. Surely, those players will not be backwards-backwards-compatible, playing DVDs, the winner of the Blu-ray and HD DVD battle, plus the new type of disc, if it is even a disc at that point. Companies have hardly tried to keep VHS collections alive. I doubt the new players will have a VCR drive to allow those collections to live on.

I can see the future now. I am a 50-year-old man with a DVD player and a largely outdated DVD collection. I am comparable to the old fool of today with a turntable and massive collection of records. The younger generations make fun of me for not moving along with the times. All I have to offer the world is fifty years of useless knowledge and talk about the “good ol’ days.” I tell youngsters about how DVDs are just as good, if not better, than the ability to download all their movies off the internet onto a single hard drive. Nevertheless, they just laugh at me, and ask what a DVD is. Then later they talk with their friends about how stupid it is to waste all that wall space for numerous DVD racks. I won’t care that much because I’ll have the classics, and something to show for it. They will only have memory saved on a hard drive, whereas I’ll have a case with a disc inside.

Turntables are a technology of the past. However, I see more and more homes boasting a more advanced turntable with a CD player and radio in a beautiful wood cabinet. To place the needle to vinyl has some kind of alluring quality, as if the person knows a thing or two about music. Records may not be jumping their way past CDs on sales charts, but there is something aesthetically pleasing in seeing a turntable in a living room. It has a somewhat “high-class” look. A CD player or computer hard drive doesn’t create that same effect. The turntable is a throwback to the old days. Whereas, newer technology doesn’t have the same aesthetic qualities as the turntable. The only good that could come from a throwback look is hopes that in 30 years I can reassign my DVD player to the living room.

I’m proud of my Granny and Papa for not upgrading their VHS collection to DVD (which will cost too much money to actually do). Those films were meant to be watched on VHS. I know that I will never upgrade my DVD collection. I will, however, move along with the times and get the cool, new technology, just as soon as the format war dies down, and there is a clear victor. Of course, I’m not sure when that will happen. If the one-terabyte HVD (holographic video disc) being produced by Japanese companies hits American soil in 2007 I might have a longer wait, and eventually decide that I will forego all future technology (including the high-def cell phone and the flying car) and stay with my current DVD player. I will be the old geezer with the largest living collection of DVDs in 30 years.