Brad Williams, one of my co-authors for Professional WordPress Plugin Development, goes into a few details about the book and the content it covers. You can also see this video on the Amazon.com book page.

The early years

As I was growing up in smalltown Alabama, I always wanted to be a writer. From about the time I could hold a crayon, I was writing something. Writing on the walls. The kitchen table. Occasionally, on paper. From what my parents tell me, I could do this quite well at about the age of 3.

During my pre-teen years, I wanted to follow in my father’s footsteps and write songs, so music and lyrics were my first introduction to how beautiful language could be.

Eventually, I outgrew my songwriting phase. Be glad I did. The world certainly doesn’t need any more boy-band pop songs. I figured I could offer something of a little more substance to the world.

High school

In high school, I had the most wonderful English teacher. She was one of those teachers that understood that literacy is not just about basic reading and writing skills. Literature. Technology. Music. Film. Those are the things that matter. Don’t get me wrong. We still had to do the boring high school English class stuff. But, she opened my mind to the world outside of the small town I was living in.

At some point during my senior year I realized that I wanted to write. I mean really write. It was the first time I’d ever put “write a book” on my list of life goals.

College

I graduated from Auburn University in 2007 with a B.A. in English and a concentration in creative writing and journalism.

When I began college, I didn’t plan on having a degree in English. I was in software engineering. Then I was in hotel and restaurant management. Then I was in software engineering again. Like many other college students, I bounced around majors a few times. It was tough finding something that was both enjoyable and challenging.

Despite protests from friends and a few from my family, I decided to take the plunge and declare myself as an English major. What I found was something that I loved. How could anyone not love reading 20+ books a semester? I had the time of my life exploring ethnographic studies, novels, and even the Bible as literature.

Each professor impacted my life in some way. Each class allowed me to explore other cultures. Each friend I got to know, helped shape me.

By the time I graduated, I had narrowed my list of life goals down to a few things. At the top of that list: Write something that has an impact on someone’s life.

At some point during college, I also started learning HTML, CSS, PHP, and WordPress.

After college

Harsh realization that life is not all roses and peaches.

…Time spent wandering the globe…

I moved back to Alabama last year because I wanted to get back to my roots. I wanted to engulf myself in the white-trash, trailer-park, tobacco-chewing culture that I hadn’t been a part of in so long.

The plan: Observe the culture. Write.

I could give you at least 100 reasons why I haven’t finished a novel yet, but I won’t. There’s no point in trying to justify losing sight of my goal.

I also spent some more time playing around with WordPress during this phase of my life. I suppose that time could’ve been spent working on the great Southern American novel.

An opportunity

A few months ago, I received an email about collaborating on a WordPress plugin development book for Wrox, a company devoted to publishing books “by programmers for programmers.”

At first, I was a bit hesitant to take on any extra WordPress projects. It also meant that I wouldn’t be able to apply for teaching jobs this school year, which was one of my goals for 2010. And, it wasn’t quite what I had in mind when I put “write a book” on my list of life goals.

However, it was an opportunity to write about something I’m passionate about.

The book

We have a great team of WordPress minds melding for what will be an awesome WordPress plugin development book. Brad Williams, Ozh Richard, and I are the writers. We’ve also picked up Andrew Nacin as our WordPress technical editor.

As a sidenote to this: I’m convinced that Andrew is actually a super-advanced robot that has been programmed to do nothing other than write awesome WordPress code. And, I’m happy to have him on the team.

I don’t want to get into too many technical details about the book yet. I do want to say that it will be a great resource for professional plugin development. We will put everything we have into making this the best book on creating plugins available for WordPress.

For me, this book announcement is mostly about sharing my personal journey to this point. I am thankful that Wrox, Brad, and Ozh are giving me an opportunity to realize one of my lifelong dreams. And, I hope that all my readers will come along on this journey with me (and buy the book when it’s published in March).

Also, check out theses posts by Brad and Ozh:

• New Book: Professional WordPress Plugin Development
• Into Plugins? You Will Love This.

Note that some of these things, mostly the sections covering usage of numbers, strictly abide by the AP Stylebook. There are other style guides, but I’ve found that AP is much better for the blogging world because it is much like journalism.

Damage / damages

A hurricane causes damage, but a plaintiff was awarded damages in the trial. That’s the best way to remember it.

Daylight-saving time

It’s not daylight-savings time.

Decades

As I mentioned in the apostrophe section of A is for affect, apostrophes are tricky when writing about decades. Never use an apostrophe in 1990s; always use an apostrophe before ’90s.

The 1970s were great, but we had the time of our lives in the ’60s.

Different from / different than / differ with

Never use “different than.” Use “different from” instead, which means to be unlike. You “differ with” someone, which means to disagree.

Your dog’s tail is different from my dog’s tail.
I differ with Sarah on that issue.

Dimensions

Always use numerals when writing dimensions. Only use hyphens when the dimension is used as an adjective. I’ll just give you a few examples, so you can see how this works.

The 6-foot-10-inch man is the tallest on the team.
The man is 6 feet 10 inches tall.
The 5-by-12 room is small.
The room is 5 feet by 6 feet.
February’s blizzard in Alabama left 6 inches of snow.

Directions and regions

You shouldn’t capitalize the names of directions but always capitalize the names of regions. Also, capitalize regional names, such as Southerner.

The South will march northward until they’ve taken over the North.
The farther north you travel, the less likely you’ll like the Northerners’ accents.
Many people grow up in the South, but some don’t like being called Southerners.
The wind blew the mobile home east.
I grew up in the Deep South.

Disk / disc

A “disk” is a rotating magnetic disc, such as a floppy disk or disk drive. A “disc” is a rotating optical disc, like a compact disc. (I’d like to get someone to check on this though.)

The compact disc is more common than the floppy disk now.

Discreet / discrete

“Discreet” means circumspect, while “discrete” means separate.

The defendant asked his lawyer to be discreet with his personal documents.
Each department of the university forms a whole but is discrete entities.

Disney World / Disneyland

“Disney World” is two words, and “Disneyland” is one word.

My son loves Disney World, but my daughter likes Disneyland more.

Disinterested / uninterested

“Disinterested” means free of bias or indifferent. “Uninterested” means to lack interest. Are you confused yet? When in doubt, use “disinterested” because it’s usually the better word choice.

A judge must be a disinterested party in all court cases.
Both are uninterested people, but they decided to vote in the election.

Dived / dove

Never use “dove” as the past tense of “dive.” Always use “dived” because “dove” is a bird.

The dove dived dangerously close to its death.

Dollars

Always use numerals when writing about money. However, too many zeroes can get messy. When the amount is more than $1 million, you can write the numeral up to two decimal places.

Will you give me a dollar?
Johnny has $8.
He won $5 million.
The car costs $25,700.
The house is worth $2.5 billion.
Do you have $5.00? (Incorrect, unnecessary zeroes)

Desert / dessert

A “desert” is a hot, dry place. A “dessert” is something that one eats after a meal, which is typically sweet.

He wanted to eat ice cream for dessert, but it would’ve melted in the desert.

Dates

Abbreviate the name of the month only if you give the specific day of the month. Always give the specific date if you know it. You don’t have to write the year in most publications if the date is near the time of writing. Never abbreviate March, April, May, June, or July (these are the five months with less than five letters). Here are some examples:

January in South Korea is cold.
January 2008 was the year my life changed.
He met the love of his life Jan. 17.
On Friday, Jan. 18, 2008, he died from a broken heart.

When the century is less than 10, write the number out. Otherwise, use the numeral. Hyphenate when using it to modify a noun.

The 21st century will be great.
She’s a 21st-century girl.
I can trace my ancestry back to the eighth century.

Daylong / month-long / year-long

You take a daylong trip but a month-long or year-long trip.

He took a daylong trip to the Bible Belt.
She was on a month-long sojourn in Africa.
I’m on a year-long adventure in South Korea.

Academic Degrees

Use an apostrophe in bachelor’s degree, master’s degree, and so on. One of the reasons I like AP style is that it removes pompous titles.

Johnny Frazier, Ph.D., gave an interesting argument for transhumanism. (Incorrect in AP)
Johnny Frazier, who has a doctorate in psychology, gave an interesting argument for transhumanism. (Correct)
Johnny Frazier, a psychologist, gave an interesting argument for transhumanism. (Correct)

Dad / dad

Only capitalize “Dad” when referring to your father by name. Lowercase “dad” in all other uses.

My dad has written songs all his life.
Will you ask Dad if he still has that chainsaw we used last year?

Die-hard / Die Hard

“Die-hard” means stubborn. Die Hard is the name of a movie.

He’s a die-hard fan of the Die Hard series.

Drunk / drunken

Use “drunk” after the verb meaning “to be,” but use “drunken” as an adjective before a noun. Also, “drunkenness” is often misspelled.

The drunken man crashed into the police car.
My uncle is drunk.

Commonly misspelled words beginning with “D”

deathbed
day trip
daytime
D-day
debacle
debatable
decimate
diarrhea
dietitian
dilapidated
disfranchise
dissociate
dissociation
distributor
divorcee
doppelganger
Dr Pepper (no period after Dr)
duct tape

Conclusion

Unfortunately, I don’t have any book recommendations for this post. I hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of the ABCs of writing series. These rules may seem a bit rigid, but I promise to give some tutorials on how to break the rules once I finish the “Z” tutorial.

I wrote this tutorial fairly quick, so I hope I didn’t make too many mistakes. Give me your feedback. Ask questions. Call me out on any mistakes. Let’s keep a good discussion on writing well going.

A cliché is an overused expression that has lost its original meaning. It’s lost that creative “spice” that was probably evident the first few times someone said it.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes clichés are useful, but most of the time, using them makes you look like a lazy writer, someone without imagination. They lack any suggestive power or evoke any emotion in the reader because they are overused to a point where the phrases should be removed from the language altogether.

Sometimes, you can get away with twisting or reconstructing the cliché with new words or using some other type of play on words to change its meaning. One of my favorite examples, even though it’s a bit cheesy, is a quote from Quincy in Love & Basketball.

All’s fair in love and basketball. (Movie quote)
All is fair in love and war. (Original cliché)

I’ll never forget that quote, and that’s why it’s a good use of the cliché. It makes it memorable.

Comma

Comma usage is broad enough to warrant its own post, so I might not cover every use in this article alone. Some of the easiest rules to break in English are comma rules, but they’re also some of the best to break when trying to capture an audience.

Comma series

When writing three or more items in a series, there are two ways to use the comma.

I like blogging, Web designing, and playing in the rain.
I like long walks on the beach, bathing in the sunlight and horseback riding.

The latter has become more prevalent, but I still use the former because I like to keep things organized. Occasionally, you might find yourself in a situation where the last comma is needed.

My favorite dishes are frog legs, fish and chips and pork and beans. (A little confusing)
My favorite dishes are frog legs, fish and chips, and pork and beans. (Not confusing)

Always omit the last comma in a business name.

He works for Sanford, Son and Company.

Parenthetic expressions

It is tough to decide when to use a comma with parenthetic expressions. A parenthetic expression is adding an extra or explanatory expression in your sentence.

Ricky’s dad, Joe Bob, completed his first tour of the world yesterday.

A good rule to test is the “which, where, and when” test. Typically, when a parenthetical expression begins with one of these words, you can safely enclose it in commas.

The movie version of Doom, which sucked whale ass, isn’t nearly as great as the video game.
In 1984, when my mother had her first child, some of the greatest movies hit the box office.
The Uptown Creek, where I landed my first kiss, was the place I thought I had become a man.

Independent clauses

Use a comma before “and,” “but,” and “so” if they separate clauses that could stand alone as a sentence.

She’s a girl that’s in love with a boy, and he’s a boy that’s in love with a girl.
I like big butts and I cannot lie, but my best friend likes slender legs.
The bus leaves at 6 p.m., so you should arrive a few minutes early.

Comma splice

A comma splice is an incorrect separation of two independent clauses with a comma. Don’t write these sentences with only a comma. Use a conjunction (and, but, as, because, etc.), a semicolon, or separate them into sentences.

She’s a girl that’s in love with a boy, he’s a boy that’s in love with a girl. (Incorrect)
She’s a girl that’s in love with a boy; he’s a boy that’s in love with a girl. (Correct)
She’s a girl that’s in love with a boy. He’s a boy that’s in love with a girl. (Correct)

Only use comma splices for effect, and do it as seldom as possible.

Rhythm

You can use commas to add rhythm to your sentences. In this instance, you can omit “and” to break from your rigid style of writing.

Autumn brings me back to a place I once knew, gives me a surreal feeling of longing, reminds me of my youth.

Confusion

Make sure phrases at the beginning of your sentences match the subject. Don’t use commas to separate things that would make your sentences confusing. In this example, a reader may be confused about which thing is old and worn out.

Although old and worn out, he bought the car. (What or who is “old and worn out”?)
He bought the car, even though it was old and worn out. (The car is “old and worn out.”)

Comma / coma

This isn’t a tough one, but I wanted to add it because my Korean students pronounce “comma” like “coma” a lot. I frequently draw pictures of a man in a coma to show them what they’re actually saying.

A “coma” is a state of deep sleep or unconsciousness. A “comma” is a punctuation mark used to separate ideas or parts of a sentence.

Conscience / conscious / conscientious

“Conscience” is your moral guide. “Conscious” means being aware of your surroundings or being awake. “Conscientious” means that you are guided by your “conscience.”

Do you believe that Hannibal Lecter had a conscience?
A man in a coma is not conscious.
He made a conscientious decision to push that man off the bridge to save the others.

Certainly

Remove it from your speech. Remove it from your writing. Seriously. It’s often used to add some “oomph” to your sentences, but it makes your writing look unprofessional.

He certainly cannot move my bed without permission. (Bad)
He cannot move my bed without permission. (Much better)

Compare / contrast

Don’t confuse these two. “Compare” means to point out resemblances, and “contrast” is to point out differences.

His book contrasts the beach and the mountains.
She compared Chevy and Ford trucks in her review.

Colon

The best use of the colon (:) is when writing a list. However, it’s often misused when written before a list. It must always follow a noun.

My favorite snacks are: candy bars, ice cream, and potato chips. (Incorrect)
He gave me three choices: sex, drugs, or bluegrass. (Correct)

Commonly misspelled “C” words

calendar
camouflage
cantaloupe
cemetery
chagrined
changeable
collectible
colonel
column
committee
completely
concede
continuous
controversy
convenient
coolly
courteous

Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation

One of the books that I’ve always wanted to read is Eats, Shoots and Leaves. By looking at the title, you can see that the sentence will have various meanings if the comma is placed in different places. He eats, shoots and leaves. He eats shoots and leaves.

Most of the reviews I’ve read have had nothing less than praise for the book. I often flip through the pages when I’m at the bookstore, wishing I had a few extra dollars on hand. It’s definitely on my “must read” list.

As always, post your feedback, call me on any errors (this is a learning experience for me too), and add your own ideas to the list.

Do you have any other comma tips? This is a large section and deserves much more attention than it received in this post.

There are not as many common mistakes with this letter as “A,” but I’ve put together some material to browse. For this new edition of the The ABCs of Writing, I’ll walk you through a few common errors that begin with the letter “B.”

Because / because of / due to

Anyone can make a mistake with these words when writing and look over it when editing. Do not use “because of” or “due to” because they contain unnecessary words. In general, always use “because” because it’s much simpler. You can sometimes use the phrase “because of” effectively. You might have to make a judgment call.

Other phrases to watch out for:

• because of the fact that
• due to the fact that
• owing to the fact that

He died because of his sister’s boyfriend.
He died because his sister’s boyfriend hit him with a hammer.

“Because” can be a powerful word when writing. When you use it in sentences, they have more credibility. For example, if you’re telling your readers to read an article you found, tell them why.

You should read “How to Lose a Girl after Three Dates.” (Bad)
You should read “How to Lose a Girl after Three Dates” because the writer lays out the rules for dating in a readable and entertaining article. (Good)

Believe

This is a commonly misspelled word. It’s also one of those times when the “i comes before e,” which is a rarity in the English language.

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. I believe I can soar.

Use the phrase “I believe” sparingly. If you’re writing it, then a reader can assume that you believe it. A good exception to this rule is when talking about beliefs themselves (possibly religion). Also, avoid “I think.” Removing “I believe” from your sentences makes your writing more effective. It makes it stronger. In addition, you omit needless words.

I believe Britney Spears is the dumbest person ever. (Less effective)
Britney Spears is the dumbest person ever. (Effective)

Even when writing about religion, you can make your sentence stronger.

I believe that God, the angels, and heaven exist. (OK)
God, the angels, and heaven exist. (Stronger)

Blog

There’s a way to misuse the word “blog”? Yes, there is. If I only had a dime for every time I read a blog post or heard it used incorrectly in casual conversation, well…(Also, avoid clichés when writing.)

Blog is short for the word “weblog.” The only time you can use it as a noun is when you’re referring to a blog itself, which includes all of the blog’s posts. You cannot use the word to mean “blog post.” They are not interchangeable. “Blog” can also mean “to write an entry into a weblog” — blog, blogging, blogged.

I wrote a blog about raccoons and orgasms today. (Wrong)
I wrote a blog post about raccoons and orgasms last night. (Right)
I blogged about raccoons and orgasms this morning. (Right)

Bibliography

While writing a bibliography doesn’t necessarily apply to blogging, it never hurts to learn. I won’t write a tutorial on this because that would warrant an entire post, maybe several posts. Instead, you can read How to Write a Bibliography – Examples in MLA Style. It looks like a good reference for nearly any type of bibliography. You never know when you might need it.

Commonly misspelled words beginning with the letter B

• balloon
• barbeque / barbecue
• basically
• battalion
• beautiful
• beggar
• beginning
• benefited
• bicycle
• Britain
• broccoli
• Buddha
• bureau
• burglar
• business

Bartleby.com

This is a great reference site for anyone that’s serious about his or her writing. It has encyclopedias, dictionaries, thesauruses, and much more. You can probably bookmark their site and forget all about reading this tutorial series.

The preeminent Internet publisher of literature, reference and verse providing students, researchers and the intellectually curious with unlimited access to books and information on the web, free of charge.

- Excerpt from Bartleby.com

Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations

A Collection of Passages, Phrases, and Proverbs Traced to Their Sources in Ancient and Modern Literature

Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations is a good book to add to your library. Why not reference the greatest writers of all when looking for some inspiration or an easy way to explain something? This book is something you should not go without. If nothing else, impress your friends by putting it on the coffee table beside your photography book. Seriously, it’s a great read.

Final thoughts:

This edition of the series was a little shorter than the last, but that was expected because there aren’t as many errors with the letter “B.” I’m sure there are mistakes in this post, and I urge you to find them. This is as much a learning tool for me as it is for you.

Subscribe to the feed to know when I write about the letter “C.” I have quite a few ideas on it.

Since I hold an English degree and am an educator of the finer arts of the English language — OK, so I’m teaching English to Korean kids (it’s not that complicated).

Wait. Wait. Wait. Did I write any of those sentences correctly?

That’s what I’m going to explore — the art of writing well. Sure, I’m going to make mistakes with this series, and I hope you all (or y’all) call me on every one of them.

Why start a series on how to write?

When I decided to take this blog in a new direction, one of the things I wanted to do was use my English degree to offer writing advice. (Or, is it advise? No, it’s advice.)

Too often, I see a lot of noticeable mistakes on many blogs. And these aren’t (ain’t) your run-of-the-mill Blogger.com sites either. I’m referring to some more well-known blogs.

Do you have to write well to have a successful blog? To some degree, yes. This also largely depends on the type of blog you run. The act of blogging is essentially writing.

This is also a way for me to take a step back from my WordPress duties. I don’t, can’t, and won’t blog about WordPress every day because I would become overwhelmed with pressure to continuously better myself with each post. This will be a way for me to supplement my work with WordPress. This is the “Blogging” part of “Justin Tadlock: Life, Blogging, and WordPress.”

How will I present this series?

This is undecided for the moment. Right now, I’m thinking of running through the alphabet (the ABCs of blogging), each day adding tips relating to a letter of the alphabet. Since I’m not sure yet, I’d like to hear some feedback from my readers. What would you like to see in this series?

I will try to cover all topics. Large and small. Simple and complicated. I will cover basic word usage, common misspellings, maybe a few dangling modifiers, and butchering the English language but doing so effectively.

My background:

I hold an English degree from Auburn University in Alabama. I’m sure the words “in Alabama” make you confident that this will be the best writing series ever, right? My concentration was in Creative Writing, but a large portion of my classes was in Literature. I spent a few semesters over in the journalism department as well. I probably learned more about grammar in those journalism classes than I had learned in the prior 23 years about English. I’m currently an English “conversation instructor” (teacher) at an English academy in South Korea. I teach little crumb-snatchers the finer points of the language.

I’ve always been a writer. Since I could hold a pen and pad, I’ve written some words in some way. To see some samples of my writing, you can browse the writing page. It’s nowhere near a comprehensive list of my work, but it’s a place to get a feel for my style.

Blogging has also been a big part of my life in the last few years. View the archives to see a post-by-post list of the last four years or so of my blog posts.

I am always learning more about writing and learning more about myself through writing. It’s time to give a little back to the world.

Are you ready to learn how to write more effectively?

I hope you are.

I would like to hear some feedback. What type of things do you struggle with? Do you want to tackle misspelling words? Common grammatical errors? Maybe you want to learn how to write better. How to capture an audience. Get information to the reader in the most effective way. Would you like to see more blog-centric posts or writing in general?

Right now, I’m laying out a plan to present this series. Now is the time to offer your feedback.

For your first homework assignment: find errors in this blog post and discuss why and how I could’ve written it better.

I call this the Curse of the Best Friend’s Girlfriend.

It’s seems we’re at war, and we lose good men every day.

The reason I decided to write on this subject was something that happened this past New Year’s Eve (yes, I’m a few months behind on writing this). Before I go any further, I want to say that I’m not mad at my best friend for this. We’re still best friends.

Since there didn’t seem to be any good New Year’s Eve parties going on back home, I decided to invite a few friends up for a night of debauchery and fun back in Auburn, Ala., the town I go to school and live in. Of course, like any good friend would do, I invited my best friend. At first, as I recall, he planned on coming.

That was until the Curse of the Best Friend’s Girlfriend set in. They decided that they would take a trip up to Birmingham, Ala., for a romantic dinner — not fun with friends. For the most part, I didn’t care that much. I had given up on friends with girlfriends long ago. Of course, I still gave him hell about it, calling him daily, reminding him that he was no friend at all.

I did promise Jonathan and Lindsay that I would write The Guidebook for Dating My Best Friend at some point. I guess this will have to do. Since this will serve as a guidebook, then I’ll have to make a few key guidelines or rules.

Article I: Holidays and Weekends

This article is the deciding factor in the sharing of the best friend, who gets him what weekends and holidays, etc.

• Spring Break:
  The best friend must have, at the very least, an entire weekend in which to get his friend really drunk, and make passes at other girls. There is no discussion in this matter. It is one of the most important holidays for guys. The best friend will take all responsibility for his friend’s acts. He will not let him do things that would break up his relationship with his girlfriend, unless said girlfriend is a b—. The friend is merely there as a wingman and for moral support, someone to laugh with about all the girls who slapped him after a his crappy pickup lines.
• New Year’s Eve:
  I believe this holiday can be split between both the best friend and the girlfriend. However, the best friend is entitled to come into the New Year in a drunken stupor, making ridiculous claims about how he will turn his life around this year. The girlfriend is actually only allowed there because she deserves her New Year’s kiss. She may not hold her boyfriend back from drinking too much, nor can she hover over him all night.
• Thanksgiving:
  This belongs to the girlfriend. Do what you wish with him. Let him meet your family. Whatever.
• Christmas:
  This is a shaky holiday. I ask for only one weekend during the month of December to get the friend drunk off Eggnog and rum.
• Birthdays:
  The friend must attend every birthday party of his best friend. The girlfriend has no say in this. The friend can decide whether to allow the girlfriend to come or not. Strippers are allowed at this party, and no complaints will be accepted on this subject. All other birthdays are to be agreed upon be all parties, except for the 21st birthday party of the friend. The best friend retains all rights to throw his friend a kick-ass party.
• Labor Day Weekend:
  This one is iffy. I’ll leave it up for discussion.
• Other Holidays:
  These days are to be agreed upon by all parties. If the girlfriend takes up a larger percentage of these, then the best friend gains the rights to Labor Day Weekend.
• Weekends In General:
  Ideally, the weekends need to be split between the best friend and the girlfriend. There are several ways to do this. A split between Friday and Saturday nights. Two weekends each for the girlfriend and best friend every month. If you’re situation is like mine, and your friend lives an hour-and-a-half away, then the best friend must at least get one weekend a month.

Article II: Ground Rules

This article describes the rules of conduct at any time the best friend or girlfriend is with the friend.

• The best friend will not allow the friend to have sex with any other member of the female, or male, species while he is watching over him. Of course, if the best friend has a secret desire to break them up, then by all means, get him drunk and encourage him to make out with the next girl he sees. If that doesn’t work, then get him a hooker.
• The best friend is allowed to get his friend as drunk as he feels necessary — necessary has no limits.
• The girlfriend is not allowed to make comments about the best friend’s standard of living, evil ways, or any other comments that might be taken as negative toward the best friend. She is to look at him as if he’s a perfect angel. Or, at least acknowledge that whatever he does with her boyfriend is the best thing for him.
• The girlfriend must remember her place in all this — she is simply there to keep the friend from jumping off a cliff because of loneliness.
• The best friend must remember his place — he is there to keep the friend from jumping off a cliff over his girlfriend’s nagging.
• If the girlfriend ever attempts to sabotage a best friend and her boyfriend’s relationship, all other friends of the two guys must make a pact to pull a Saving Silverman. It must be done.
• The girlfriend must never make the friend wear pink, those weird sandal/clog things with holes in them, or matching outfits.

Article III: Girlfriend Cool Points

Described in this article is a point system for the girlfriend. The higher she scores, the more likely the best friend and all other friends will accept her into their group. There is at least a possibility of scoring 115 points on this scale. Scores above 90 means that you are the coolest girlfriend ever. And, it’s hard to score above 90. For any girlfriend who does, I’ll personally buy a round of drinks in honor of.

• 5 Points:
  Earned by following every rule in Article I.
• 5 Points:
  Earned by following every rule in Article II.
• 10 Points:
  Show that you can party with the rest of the guys, then you get major cool points.
• -5 Points:
  If you party with the guys and drink wine coolers or any other variation of a fruit-flavored drink, unless you allow the best friend to mix it for you with something from his liquor cabinet.
• -10 Points:
  For showing up to a party in which you were NOT invited.
• 15 Points:
  Do a keg stand at one of the parties with the guys and you’ll be in our hearts forever.
• 15 Points:
  Go 5 rounds of Tequila shots, and you will also hold a special place in our hearts.
• 5 Points:
  If you do a round more than we do or drink us under the table.
• 20 Points:
  If you come to one of our parties and bring one your hot girl friends with you. Add an additional point for each hot friend.
• -20 Points:
  If you come to one of our parties and bring one of your ugly girl friends with you. Subtract an additional 2 points for each ugly friend.
• 25 Points:
  If one of your hot friends sleeps with one of the guys.
• 25 Points:
  For any of your hot friends that gets naked.
• 0 Points:
  For getting naked yourself. I would subtract for this, but we all secretly want to see it. However, I don’t want to add additional points for fear of offending my friend.

This concludes the Three Articles of The Guidebook for Dating My Best Friend. The best friend of the friend with a girlfriend is allowed to add new articles or make amendments to this guidebook. The girlfriend may make suggestions, but the decisions are ultimately left to the best friend.

A note to my best friend: I know you’ll find this a little amusing. However, I will not be joking when I ask for your girlfriend’s signature on a printed copy of this.

To all others: Feel free to leave a comment here, suggesting new rules and regulations that need to be added to this guidebook.

Download The Guidebook To Dating My Best Friend ({hits}) to have a copy for your best friend’s girlfriend to sign.

This morning, I finally sent my resume and sample writings to the Union Springs Herald. I’m applying for an editor job. It took me two days to put my sample writings together because I literally did not have enough time in the day to do it. And no, I wasn’t on a lazy streak or anything. I simply didn’t have the time. That was with four hours of sleep a night.

I figured since I was organizing my work, I’d share some of it with my readers. Here are two of the stories that I sent:

• Bedtime Adventures
  An interview with Jerry Sibley, author from Mount Hope, Ala., who penned The Adventures of Harley Earle.
• The Tiger Taxi Guy
  A feature profile on Kevin McCarley, the owner of Tiger Taxi in Auburn, Ala., and his wild nightlife driving an orange taxi in a college town.

Wish me luck with the job, and pray that I get an interview!

Interview With Aspiring Author
Justin Tadlock On Writing

Why do you like to write?
I guess I have to go way back to fully understand this. When I was growing up, my dad wrote songs and still does. I have a very musical family that goes back for generations. I remember writing tons of songs when I was younger and continuing do so throughout high school for fun. My dad is still looking to sell his first song (he writes country music). But, he may never sell a song, but he does it anyway. Probably because he must do it in order to understand life.

One of the people that I think probably influenced me, and some of the things that I write about a lot, is my grandfather, my dad’s dad. He and my grandmother used to baby-sit me and my sister in the summer. And paw-paw used to tell me all kinds of stories about growing up. He never had a lot, he was poor, but I think he represents to me what growing up in the rural South feels like. You don’t get a lot of opportunities, or you don’t think about them. Because people don’t expect much from you. They expect you to keep being poor. They expect you to work down at the sawmill until you’re too old to do it anymore.

I don’t exactly know when I wrote my first story, but I do have a story called “Claws” that I always call my first story. It’s at least the oldest thing I still have. It’s one big, long paragraph, and it lacks mostly periods, commas, and any kind of logic or structure.

So, why do you write?
I don’t really know for sure. I like to, I guess. It’s a challenge. I could’ve stuck out Software Engineering, Hotel and Restaurant Management, or done many other things, but I probably wouldn’t be challenged in the way that writing challenges me. It challenges me to look inside of myself for answers. It challenges me to look at the world for answers.

It’s just something I’ve always done. And I couldn’t imagine life without writing. I’ve always said that I would write a novel one day, even when I didn’t think I’d be an English major. It’s part of who I am, and who I’ve always been.

So, why do you really write, Justin?
Probably because I have to. There’s no other choice for me. Writers, such as myself, must write or we might go crazy or something. It’s a sort of release. Like going to the bathroom or something. We have to do it because we don’t need all that stuff building up inside of us. It will eventually come out on its own, and that will be a huge mess. Okay, probably not the best analogy that I could come up with, but I was thinking that it was a little funny and maybe a little gross.

What do you enjoy most about writing?
First, writing is dang hard. I mean, sometimes I wonder why I torture myself in this way. But, sometimes, just sometimes, I come to this spot (I guess you can call it a click or a light going off somewhere in my head), and when I get to this spot I feel relieved. It’s the moment when I realize where I want to go with a story, how something is going to unfold, and that is a (for lack of a better word or phrase, come on Justin you’re a writer!) magical.

I don’t know how to describe this feeling any better. I just feel that the story I’m working on is somehow complete because I figured out what to do. Then, I can truly enjoy the writing process even more because I do know what I want to do.

What is your writing process like?
I used to think that paper and pen was the best way to go for me. Stick me in a room with four walls, a roof, and nothing but those four walls and roof besides my paper and pen, and I could create whatever world I wanted to. No limits.

Now, I’ve been slowly moving over to the computer over the last year or so. But, the transition didn’t go all that smoothly. I get too distracted with other things, like that Internet Explorer icon. I think it’s evil, asking me to forget about the writing process and explore the online world.

I have done something to counteract that though. Music. I found out that if I play music, I can ignore everything else. So, I pop in, usually, that Alanis Morissette CD, “Jagged Little Pill,” from like the mid-90s and start writing. (If being pissed off at the world starts popping up in my writing soon, I may have to switch CDs.) But, I don’t really listen to the music. It helps me block out the world. I can’t hear the cats meowing. I can’t hear other people if they’re in the house (although I now live alone, and this isn’t as big a problem). And I don’t think about the evil Internet Explorer icon. I’m simply engaged in my story, and that’s where I want to be.

I don’t know if I’ll continue to use this technique for writing, but it seems to work when I use it.

I do often try out different techniques. I might write laying on the bed, sitting on the couch, going back to the four wall one roof technique, sprawled out across the floor. I might try writing in the afternoon, at night, or in the mornings. I have found that in the mornings is a great time for me to write. My mind is fresh from getting some sleep, and I there are less outside distractions. There’s this calmness that’s in the mornings. However, I don’t have as much time to write in the mornings, and my time blocks are shortened considerably compared to writing at night.

Any influential authors?
I read a lot of different stuff. I like to have a variety, so that I can know what kind of writing interests me more. Currently, one of my favorite authors is Joss Whedon. He’s the guy that did the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Firefly. He wrote the screenplay for Toy Story. He wrote comics in the Astonishing X-Men series. Plus, he’s got some other work under his belt.

I like that he really focuses on creating characters. Even in his unbelievable worlds, his characters are still believably human. They mess up. They laugh. They cry. And people our age can really relate to the things in these characters’ lives. Even with the world in peril constantly, they still have to go through the things that we have to go through. Like love (obviously the most important thing), growing up, the horrors of high school, the horrors of college, finding out what you really want out of life.

I always say, “If you haven’t experienced Joss, you haven’t lived.”

Tell me more Justin.
Well, I can’t think of more right now. I’m sure there are other things that I could talk about, but I’m running out of time.

He inches slyly toward me, hiding something in his hand. I am sitting on the floor of the living room, leaning against a recliner. Bending slightly at the hips and knees, he lowers himself enough to slip me a $100 bill. Then he smiles.

“We bought Kenny and Amber school clothes,” my grandfather mentions, explaining why he and my grandmother are giving me money. They always like to give their grandchildren money and other gifts to show their love.

“Papa,” as I’ve always called him, has always been around for me. Going to my school events. Cheering me on at football games. Helping with bills, now that I’m a college student and in need of constant cash flow.

Two years ago, I realized that he won’t always be around to do these things. I got a call, letting me know that he had been hospitalized with a heart attack. After losing my other grandfather a year earlier, I knew I needed to spend more time seeing him. I decided to do so even if my grandparents told me to stay at school that week because I had tests.

I have never celebrated Grandparents’ Day until this year. It is the first Sunday after Labor Day. Governor Arch Moore of West Virginia initiated the holiday in 1973. This year I called my grandparents and wished them a happy Grandparents’ Day. However, I called them on the wrong day, not realizing the actual date of the holiday. They were happy nonetheless.

Papa built most of the house he and my grandmother live in. It is on a dirt road that they have lived on for 35 years. The locals call the area Frazierville because most of the residents fall under the long line of Fraziers living on the 3-mile stretch of road. My grandfather is a Frazier.

The house, originally a four-room shack, had holes in the wall and lacked parts of its roof. My grandmother refused to live in it when Papa first bought it. He wasn’t about to let $1,000 go to waste, though. He set out to work on the house and eventually made it livable. Now, years later, he is still working on it. Together they have turned it into one of the only places that I still consider home.

Not making it past elementary school, he spent his life building projects with wood. He’s built cabinets, tables, bookshelves, doll cabinets, chest-of-drawers. Many that sit in my bedroom now, Christmas gifts that I begged him to build. Chest-of-drawers I’ve had since I was a child. A bookshelf overflowing with books.

I spend every Thanksgiving in the home that Papa built. I’ve watched countless football games with Papa, sitting next to him arguing over the Iron Bowl. He wears his Crimson Tide hat at all times. We’d argue even with the game still months away. I usually sit with something Granny has cooked, he with a coffee mug and a cigarette rolled with Prince Albert. We don’t talk much, except about football.

The first time I connected with Papa, saw that he cared deeply about me and would always take care of me, was my first year attending Auburn University. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he said. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before. It was in his voice and without the urging of Granny. He knew that I was not going to be around every week to watch football and argue over the Auburn and Alabama matchup.

Three years later, I realized the same thing he did when I left for college. He wouldn’t always be around. For him, there were no more school events, no more football games. For me, there was a chance of no more Papa.

I don’t let that inevitability change our days together. Although his health seems okay now, I still see him every chance I get. I still enjoy our talks about football and the occasional game we get to see. I take pleasure in now having my own bedroom in when I visit, a recent addition to his house.

To him, I’ll always be that kid wanting to stay the night at Granny’s and Papa’s.

To me, he’ll always be that man with his coffee mug and Prince Albert. He’ll always be a diehard Alabama fan with a grandson attending Auburn. He’ll always be cheering me on at school events. He’ll always be Papa.

###

This was an article I wrote for Newswriting. We had to write it for Grandparents’ Day, and we’re supposed to give it to our grandparents. My professor wrote something about how my grandfather would feel after he read it, but I forgot to mention that my grandfather can’t read, at least not very good. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the article because I honestly didn’t have anything to blog about once again.