This is an article in response to 10 Things You Can Do Today To Simplify Your Life.
We’re always trying to do things to simplify our lives. Why? Have our lives gotten more complicated? Let’s stop trying to make things so “Zen” or so simple. Let’s see how complicated we can make our lives.
- Make a list: Take some time to remember why you hate life. Write down all the names of the people who bullied you in school. Google their names for phone numbers and addresses. Write those down. Make threatening phone calls to them early in the morning and late at night. You can also include your boss, your spouse’s parents, and/or your ex.
- Add a commitment: We all have crap things we have to do. Generally, there’s only a couple that we actually do love to do—come home from work and have a beer or catch the next episode of Heroes. I’m telling you to add something else to your life that makes it worse (apart from dealing with the wife, kids, work, etc.) Today, join a chess club, start your campaign for town mayor, or start a hunting club where you are the president. Whatever, just do something that will make your life harder.
- Start a new collection: Hit up the old flea market today for antiques or start a stamp collection. Find an empty drawer or shelf to put your new collection on. Pretend you love clutter. I suggest getting a subscription to the local paper and keeping a library of what’s happening in your town. Forty years from now, your grandchildren can see what the world was like during grandpa’s prime.
- No limits: Go out and have a beer with your buddies or girlfriends tonight. You deserve it. In fact, you should have a few more than one. Drink until you drop—or until someone has to carry you home. Your motto for the night should be: “I’m gone get tore out da’ frame!” (That basically means you plan on getting wasted.) Tomorrow, expect to have the worst hangover you’ve ever had. That should be your goal.
- Reconfigure your to-do list: Get all of those things you’ve been meaning to do out of the way. Wash the car. Buy Groceries. Pay those overdue bills. Explain “the birds and the bees” to your kids (it’s better to get it out of the way now that they’re 5). Get your suits dry-cleaned. Update your blog. It’s good to go ahead and knock all these problems out in one day.
- Start a rock band: You don’t want to have an extra half hour or so a day to just be lazy. Make sure you practice at the most inconvenient time of all. Have a practice session during your regular breakfast hour. This way, you can push breakfast back a little bit so that it further complicates your day and piss off your neighbors at the same time.
- Clutter your desk: Go to Wal-Mart and get some pictures of your loved ones (including Fluffy) developed. While you’re there, pick up a few picture frames. You’re going to need them to place across your desk. Pick up some more sticky notes, preferrably the pack with four different colors. Use them to jot down mental notes throughout the day and stick them on your desk so you won’t forget.
- Turn off your spam-blocker: Instead of letting all those porn invites, viagra deals, and mental health ads fall into oblivion, let them rush into your inbox. Take some time to read through them. You might find some things that are interesting. Very important: make sure your computer gets some type of virus. Otherwise, you’re just having too much fun looking at porn.
- Speed up: Sure, your life’s busy, but you can make it a little busier. Drive 60 mph in the 25 mph school zones. Make sure to grab lunch and eat while doing this. Rush through sex. There’s no point in making it last forever. Your goal is to be absolutely exhausted by the end of the day. That way, the alcohol you’ll be drinking at night will hit you quicker. Actually, make sure to shotgun or funnel all beers you drink.
- Multi-task: Eat, play with your iPhone’s cool features, sing along with the radio, and drive at the same time. Why do all those things separately? A human brain can process all those things at once can’t it. You want to be as stressed as possible. Shout, “Get the hell outta the way!” at little kids when driving through the school zone. If possible, get arrested.
I’m sure there are many more ways to make each of lives more complicated. What would you do to accomplish this?